Speaking is so done

[caption id=“attachment_1437” align=“alignright” width=“150”] Take three steps to your right to advance to the next slide[/caption]

Honestly, I’m tired of speaking. PowerPoint is overrated. People want more or less bullet points. It’s never enough. More graphs. More pie charts. Less funny images. More dinosaurs. Stop showing pictures of Zeus sexing up a goat. I don’t know what you people want!Demos – you can shove those, too. People complain when the code doesn’t fit on the screen or when my resolution is too low or when they have some kind of vitamin deficiency and they can’t look at the color #0f0015 for more than 32 seconds without suffering from a migraine. I’ve spent hours coming up with the perfect demo code only to have someone poke holes in it over and over again. I see this all the time on speaker feedback. No more. You will no longer have this opportunity. PowerPoints are done. Demos are over. Speaking? That’s right out, too. Greek pornography… The jury’s still out on that one. So here’s a note to everyone who is expecting me to speak at their event in the future: I won’t. I’ll be there, but I will not speak. I need you to secure velvet ropes for my “room”. I will be available for hushed conversations, but I want my work to speak for itself. I need dim, dramatic, lighting and access to numerous power sources so I can light my “slides” in a variety of ways. [caption id=“attachment_1442” align=“alignright” width=“176”] This is art, goddamnit![/caption] Speaking of slides… They have been carefully painted on using oil or egg tempera paints. A few paintings contain other, non-volatile, material when I was experimenting with a different style of art work, but I cannot promise that everyone will like this. Presenting is an artform and this is art. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to understand it.